Airplanes scare me.
I cannot bring myself to believe that a lump of iron like that flies through the sky. What is on the ground always comes back down to the ground. Somewhere inside me, I have thought that for a long time.
I have actually been on a plane only once, for one round trip. And the whole time I sat in that seat, my body was tense.
But airplanes are not the only thing that scares me.
Around the time I got past sixty, more things began to scare me even with my feet on the ground.
The Big Bridge Became Frightening
Near my home there is a big bridge by the sea.
The road has two lanes, and even two large trucks can pass each other. There is probably nothing wrong with its design.
Even so, it feels strangely narrow.
The railings of the bridge, if that is the right word for the things on the left and the right, are low. From behind the wheel the drop below is in plain view, and my legs go weak.
Honestly, I cannot look down. Just cannot.
I wonder how everyone drives here so easily. Are they not afraid?
Hills in a Car With a Manual Transmission Scare Me Too
A hill that is nothing at all in an automatic suddenly becomes frightening in a car with a manual transmission, a stick shift.
Strangely, my body remembers. That feeling of holding the clutch at the biting point. When I start on a hill, will the car slip backward, or will it stall? That feeling right at the edge is still in my hands and my feet.
If I have to stop partway up, I break out in a cold sweat that will not stop. The car behind closes in, and I am trying to hold the car at the biting point, and my foot shakes.
I do not drive a car with a manual transmission anymore, but if I ever had to, the hills are the one thing I would want to avoid.
Places Where I Can See Straight Down Scare Me
The bridge is one, but in general I can no longer handle places where I can see straight down.
Places with a cliff below. Places where you look down on railway tracks. Observation decks where the floor under your feet is glass.
When I look, I get a feeling like the air is draining out from under my feet.
It is not that I feel I will be sucked in. It is that my own weight suddenly feels unreliable. My head calculates on its own what would happen if I fell from here.
This one also turns my face pale.
City Intersections Scare Me Too
I usually drive on country roads, so when I drive through an intersection in the city, I am afraid.
Even on an ordinary two-lane road, when a large vehicle lines up beside me, I feel the wind pressure. It feels like the whole car is being pushed sideways.
Cars these days sit high. On a windy day I feel it all the more. On the bridge, at the exit of a tunnel, on an open road. Every time the wind blows through, I feel as if the whole car is being carried away.
In reality nothing like that is happening. But my body braces on its own.
Everyone Else Looks Fine
What is strange is that in places like these, everyone else looks fine.
They drive across the bridge smoothly. They stop on a hill and start again without a care. Even in places where you can see straight down, they lean over and look with no trouble. Even on a windy day, they drive as if it is nothing.
Is it just me? I wonder if I am the odd one.
Lately I have been thinking that more and more.
Until I Was Fifty, I Did Not Care
Until I was around fifty, I did not care about any of this at all.
Bridges, hills, places where you can see straight down, windy days. I went through all of them as a matter of course. I almost never thought that any of it was kind of scary.
Then, around the time I got past sixty, I somehow started thinking unnecessary things.
I imagine, in concrete detail, what would happen if I fell.
When I was young, maybe I was keeping myself from looking. Maybe I was only keeping myself from thinking about it.
Now I see it. Now I think it.
Safe and At Ease Are Not the Same
The bridge is safe by design. A hill is safe if the driver has the skill. Even a parking lot has fewer accidents if the rules are followed.
Statistically, all of them are probably within a safe range.
But if you ask whether I am at ease, that is another matter.
Safe and at ease, it seems, are not the same. Even when my head understands, there are times when my body does not accept it.
If you call that strange, then maybe it is.
But you could also say that I can still feel afraid of frightening things.
Getting Older Means Feeling More Things
Getting older is not about becoming unbothered.
That is what I have come to think.
When I was young, I did not see. I did not hear. I did not feel.
Now I see, hear, and feel all kinds of things.
What would happen if I fell. What would happen if the wind carried me off.
You could say it is only that I have become able to imagine it in concrete detail. Maybe that is not a strange thing.
Getting older may not be about becoming unbothered, but about feeling more things.
I decided to think of it that way.
The frightening things stay frightening. But when I can think that I am not the only strange one, it gets a little easier.
I wrote about another thing that changed in my 60s here: Friends Drift Away in Your 60s. Is That Lonely? Six Things I Noticed.
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